-the wave
-the inebriated fellow that truthfully
becomes angered that no one is participating in his wave
-the extended “woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”
or “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” noise made when the wave comes around
-intensely peering over your shoulder multiple
times within seconds to flawlessly time your wave participation
-Yelling at a particular section for lack
of wave participation
-contemplation of wearing the jersey of
the team member that just got traded
-the ashamed-face-cover-immediate-sit-down
performed by the 13 year old girl that gets caught doing the chicken dance on the big screen during 7th Inning
Stretch
-scolding your friend for swearing around
small children by slapping him on the shoulder, squinting your left eye, opening the half of your mouth that the eye squint
is taking place on, violently raising your left arm, and erratically yet deceitfully pointing at the children
-feeling tremendously awkward once you
have realized that you have just taught two innocent five-year-olds the phrase “Eat a dick”
-a vendor wearing a very large pin with
a dollar amount on it
-disregarding all waste to the area under
your seat
-doing the swift footed heel push to finalize
the under-the-seat disposal of your Super Nachos
-letting a ketchup stain on your jersey
ruin your entire night
-the nuisance of having to stand
through the Canadian National Anthem when a visiting team hails from Canada
-the jerk that yells “Go (enter home
team here)!!!” really fast between the closing lines “For the land of the free…” and “And the
home of the brave”
-thinking you can get away with farting
-going to give a high five as the intended
receiver of the celebratory gesture turns the other way, leaving you looking like a jackass
-your hand making a pit stop on your head
for a short while before slowly sliding it down your body when the above happens
-the uncomfortable feeling you receive
when you have unsatisfactory contact on a high five with a stranger and you both know it
-advising an umpire not to quit his day
job
-unintentionally catching a glimpse of
another urinal inhabitants genitalia during halftime and wondering why every time this blunder takes place, you seem to be
outmatched
-feeling left out when the stadium erupts
with noise and you are alone in the bathroom
-being intrigued by watching the verbal
interaction between a group of people who both believe that they are the rightful inhabitants of section 212, row B, seats
4-8
-doing the side by side ticket comparison
to settle the above dilemma once and for all
-the one arm fist pump to the tune of claps
and back slaps that takes place after catching a foul ball
-participating in a “throw it back”
chant, knowing that you would never dream about doing so
-not knowing whether to participate in
an “Asshole………” chat because you don’t know how your father will react
-someone saying “That guy only has
one job…” after a missed field goal has occurred
-going through desperate measures to think
of how you can incorporate your teams name and current situation of your team to fit the acronym of a corporate television
network
-taking a picture with someone in front
of the scoreboard
-saying “every time I come, they
lose”
-hoping that someone else will take the
initiative to give a “down in front!” yell
-the discomfited feeling of being the stimulus
behind a “down in front!” yell
-the fact that it is the only safe haven
where you can get away with doing the YMCA
-asking the person next to you to point
out the location of the American flag while standing for the National Anthem
-catching yourself staring at someone mouthing
the words of the National Anthem
-the proud guy with the beautiful and shapely
woman
-wondering if “The Noise-O-Meter”
on the scoreboard is actually registering the crowd noise
-“The Noise-O-Meter” redlining
and breaking every time it is utilized
-holding up a sign with a bull’s-eye
on it
-the fan that wants an “intentional
grounding” penalty called all the time
-questioning every “pass interference”
penalty imposed on your team
-arrogantly questioning an umpires strike
call from a distant seat with an inefficient angle
-defending the players by saying “…like
you can do better” to a loudmouth
-the loudmouth countering with, “He
gets paid $12 million a year and it is his job!”
-arguing whether NASCAR is a sport or not
-making a silly face or leaning your head
back, closing your eyes and opening your mouth while being patted down at the entrance gate
-two grown men insisting that they be the
one to pay for parking
-the man that says, “You got the
tickets…it’s the least I can do” ending the predicament of who will satisfy the parking fee.
-conservatively asking the person next
to you “What are they chanting?” while the crowd recites a repetitive chant that you can’t quite make out
-someone mistaking booing for the deep,
monotonous, bellow of someone’s last name that has a nickname with a long O
sound in it
-taking pride informing someone of the
above misconception starting with, “They’re actually chanting…”
-holding up newspaper and pretending to
read it as the visiting teams lineup is read
-10% of the stadium booing after each name
on the visitors starting lineup is read by the announcer
-the dramatic change in an announcer’s
voice between announcing the visiting team and the home team, making sure to say “And now the starting line up for your
(enter home team here)…” after his tedious reading of the road team roster has concluded
-an announcer enthusiastically dragging
out the first name of the player that just scored a goal and then rapidly exhaling his last name
-calling the Cracker Jack vendor’s
name and looking away, trying desperately not to laugh
-a mascot racing a child around the bases
and making an absolutely unrealistic base running error, allowing the child to win
-being excited to attend “free hat
day”, but being disappointed that the word, NABISCO is printed larger than your teams logo
-being so anxious to get in your seats
that you make sure you are the first one leading down the aisle, then suddenly being hit with the reality that the first person
down the aisle must sit next to a stranger
-nonchalantly making a last minute maneuver
that will save you from sitting next to the stranger
-using an empty seat next to you as the
coat rack for everyone in your party
-reluctantly distributing back everyone’s
coat because someone has claimed the coat rack seat
-daring someone to go streaking
-saying “I called it” followed
by multiple other “Did I not call that?”’s
-half of the stadium singing, “Root,
root, root, for the home team…” and half the stadium singing, “Root, root, root, for the (enter actual home
teams name here” during the singing of Take Me Out to the Ballgame
-knowing that the car in the “root-for-the-racecar-that-corresponds-with-your-seating-sections-color-scoreboard-race”
that pulls far ahead of the pack in turn one is never going to win
-screaming “C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
because you believe the correct answer to “(Enter home team here)’s Trivia” to be following that letter
-wanting to get rid of the peanut salt
remains left on your fingers with a few simple licks, but reflecting back to everything you have touched throughout your stay
-desperately wishing you didn’t crunch
and swallow all the ice in your soda because you could have used that to wipe the salt off your fingers
-hearing additional claps at incorrect
times during the playing of “The Adams Family”
-being convinced that your team has the
best uniforms
-giving precise directions to your whereabouts
to a fellow friend in a different seating area while on your cell phone and telling everyone in your party to wave their hands
(i.e. “Hey Buddy! Alright, do you see the skinny scoreboard over the Mets
dugout? Yeah, first base. Alright,
the scoreboard says ‘Let’s Go Mets’ right now…we are right under the M in Mets…12 rows up. Do you see us…we’re waving our arms.
Ok, from the guy with the pink hat go four rows down and six rows up. Do
you see us….we’re waving our arms.”
-making the “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
noise and recklessly whipping around your arms when your companion has finally verified your seating location
-your parents paying $50 so your name will
appear on the scoreboard for three seconds on your birthday
-“Na, na, na, na…na, na, na,
na, hey, hey, hey…Goodbye”
-getting caught, along with several others
scattered throughout the stadium, continuing a particular chant once the strong majority has ceased and quickly mumbling and/or
fading out
-knowing that as soon as the slightest
decline in chant participants has occurred, you better quit while you are ahead
